Thursday, July 26, 2007

Great Sadness.

WHY!?! WHY did I get the big boobs, big hips, round baby belly, abbreviated torso and abbreviated stature?? WHY!?!?! Is it not enough that I was LAST? Is it not enough that I have a huge mole on my non-existent chin? Was it not enough to "bless" me with feet too small for normal grown-up shoes, so that I perpetually hunt discount aisles for kids shoes that look grown up?? Wasn't it sufficient to curve my spine into some insane corkscrew? And what about the odd little baby toe nail that can't be painted? Make me "gluten intolerant" so that the closest I can get to a piece of bread is a little sniff? No. Apparently not enough.
Case in point: Beautiful Berger Du Nord Belle handpainted yarn. Amazing pattern. Lovely appearance of nearly finished garment. So I try it on over my sundress - very excited, waiting to see how adorable I look...and I gasp. I don't look adorable. I look like a frelling cow. Girl looks. She makes a face - not a nice one. I say "I look like a cow, don't I?" She says "It's the dress, Mom. It has to be the dress. Try it without the dress." I take off the dress (no shame here). I stick the sweater back on. She makes the face again. I return to the mirror. I still look like a frelling cow. MOOOOOOOOO!!! In this garment it appears someone has placed a weight on my head and squashed me to about 1/2 of my normal height, but left all the curves in place, so instead of being curvy and soft and womanly they're just..well..MOOOO!!

Anybody with a 38" bust want a sweater?? I need to cry now.
And they ask why I never knit for myself.

God Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference


Teresa said...

I hear you on the boobs and hips! I was gracefully blessed with big boobs in 4th grade! Oh yeah..I didn't stand out and was the fodder of children's mocking or anything. LOL. Yeah..and they didn't stay nice..I have premature sagging...two kids and a husband will do it.

Gammy aka Peggy said...

Oh, what a lovely sweater!!!! Should I now say what lovely balls of yarn?

GP said...

Oh, you have a baby toenail too, on your pinky toe, right? Me too! I'm not going to tell you what I do to mine. It's not pretty.

The sweater is beautiful. Unfotunately, I'm a 34". Sorry.

Yarnhog said...

I'm so, so sorry! I've had the same thing happen in reverse. I'm 5'11" and skinny, with long, bony arms and a flat chest. I can't tell you how many really cute designs have fallen, well, FLAT on me. Whatever the reason, though, it's really distressing when you've gotten all excited and put in all that work, and the result is just not what you wanted.

Melissa said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh god! The inhumanity! :( That was painful. I hope it can become something just as fab without the moo.

Cirilia said...

>odd little baby toe nail that can't be painted

Heh, I have one of those. I can't move the entire toe, it's dead to me.

I hope it was at least fun to knit...?

Cirilia said...

Also, Maggie Righetti's Sweater Design in Plain English has some great stuff on knitting for quirky bodies. My extreme neck, sloped shoulder, over-long torso, wide hipped body thanks her!

Persnickety said...

Huge bummer about the sweater. Was it the deep V neck that did it?
Just remember, you're a process knitter.

Do you have new plans for the yarn?