Change Your Thinking One Day at a Time? Right.

I walk my dogs every morning from our cozy little spot on the hill down into the town and along the waterfront. We walk along the fishermen's wharf and wave hello to the regulars who congregate there. My trash-collecting habit amuses some of the guys, who laugh at me and shake their heads, and others thank me for my "service". I find all sorts of things from empty cans and bottles to scratch tickets and even occasionally discarded waitstaff shirts from a local eatery or two - I've started a collection of these just to see how many I can score in a year. Thank you, disgruntled staffers discarding their summer jobs and the shirts along with them!

Yoshi hoping for a duck dinner on our morning walk

Since absenting myself from the knitting world, social media, and this blog I've been pretty introspective. I've spent a lot of time in prayer and Bible reading, and a lot of time allowing God to show me who I am and what I am supposed to be doing instead of trying to do everything all on my own. The truth is I have no answers to anything on my own, although I've spent a lot of time trying to prove that I did. I've stopped trying.

Low tide at the wharf

It's probably not a secret that I have struggled with anxiety and depression. I have not handled stress nearly as well as I might have. And I've had an uneasy relationship with money; once I get into any sort of a role where I begin making it for my own benefit, even in small amounts, I run fast and far in the opposite direction. Success terrifies me. My thought stream tends to be negative. I compare myself to others, which is self-defeating on all levels. I want those things to change.

Really low tide in the bay

One of the things that's always puzzled me is the ability of some people to be so damned cheerful in the face of...well, frankly, life in general. How do they DO this? How can they just be so bloody happy, as if nothing around them matters, like they cannot SEE the giant horse on the dining room table, and how can they not SEE that huge thing?!? Then add on the peculiar experiences of some of us, and I wonder how anyone even gets out of bed, let alone chirps along joyously, quipping about the beauties of life. Maybe I just started off on the wrong foot. My role models were, I suppose, not exactly what you could call "healthy". Even my father, for all of his awesomeness, struggled with the day to day thing we call living, and often ended up a bit more on the side of pessimism and sarcasm than might be considered ideal. And I have said before I am a slow learner. I think I meant it.

Since becoming a Young Living independent distributor and setting some goals related to that, I've become increasingly aware of just how much negative thinking I do, and how much that leads to self doubt and negativity, depressive feelings, stress, anxiety, and the lot. I'd also like to point out here that I have set myself up in an attempt to be successful in a field with something like a 92% "failure" rate - multi-level marketing, network marketing - these are areas where the vast majority fail, and very few succeed. And here I am; pessimistic, negative, freaky little me, thinking this is something I can do.

And now we get back to the walk, the one I take every morning with the dogs. As I walk along I think about things. I plan my day. I consider what I am going to do with all the can and lottery ticket money (I've decided to donate it). I think about deeper things - about life and choices and consequences, and about how I need to step back and allow God to change me, from the inside out, one day at a time.

The steps and revelations are TINY most days. I try not to even look at "how far I've come" because the snail pace would put me under a quilt (or possibly my crocheted Noro Silk Garden afghan), tucked neatly and tightly around my (wide) eyes, quaking with panic.

Today as we were walking along I saw a can behind a fence in a public area. It was covered with spider webs and all manner of ick. I wanted it. I will bend over for a nickel, it's true, even if I have to rinse that nickel out and take it to the local bottle center on Monday morning (where they guy now recognizes me, jokes about my "coffee money" and congratulates me on my weekly "earnings"). I love gleaning cans even more now that I have a plan for the money that puts it into better hands than mine. So there was this trapped can, and I wanted it. I thought to myself "I can't get that can. It's behind the fence and it's covered in spider webs. I can't." Doom and gloom and pessimism and a lost nickel!

But what if ...and it hit me heavy, this small, simple thing... what if I chose to look at that can in a completely different way? What if instead of saying "I can't..." I said "That can is behind a fence. I can get it if I want to. But... (Wait. Red flag! NO BUTS!! Instead say...) That can is covered in spider webs. I CHOOSE not to put my hand through the fence to get that can." And I walked away, leaving the nickel behind.

So. Simple.

So. Small.

So important.

Day by day, one day at a time, one small step at a time, my entire way of thinking, of viewing the world, of engaging with others, of being in spaces is changing. And I love it and I am SO grateful!

We'll See

Most of the time when I sit down to write lately I end up talking about things that most people really don't want to hear about.

So today, since Jenn Kinzel of the Woolie Ewe says she misses me, I will post what I've done lately, and try not to be all "Oh, poor motherless me". It's a stretch. My birthday is coming up. Last night I had a dream that my mother asked for her summer clothes, and when I told her she was dead she said "Well. I changed my mind about that. Bring me my shorts..." and proceeded to go into a very detailed list of which shorts and which tops (including the one that I bought that was "...not exactly right, but would do"). If you knew her, you'd know that this conversation could very easily occur, exactly as stated above. "Oh. Well. I changed my mind about that."

But I digress...

Lots of what I have done lately is kind of crazy, really. Not a lot of design, that's for sure. I made a tiny quilt, which I decided I hated and promptly gave to Yoshi, who loves it.

I went on a doll clothing spree. Crocheted hat and sweater...

Knitted a dress...

Vest and top...

Mostly American Girl stuff (or in this case Madison from the Springfield Company who did not cost $100) but some baby doll as well. They're not all pictured here lest you think my cheese has truly slipped from my cracker.

And a crochet spree - hat, mittens, and a square from the scraps (??? No clue, but there it is. A square.)

Oh, and I stitched a London pigeon.

And then a dragon for Lillian at New Fortune, since this IS the Year of the Dragon after all, and my Dragon daughter is marrying a Dragon guy in the year of the Dragon, so I feel attached.

I went to Vogue Knitting Live! in New York, and had a ball. I went up to the marketplace only very briefly to see Ron and Theresa Miskin of The Buffalo Wool Co. (formerly Buffalo Gold). I just visited them for a bit. Big groups and moving crowds just were not where my head was at right then and I give myself permission to hide if I think I need to. Things moved really fast here between November and now, and it will take me a while to recover, and that's ok. But again, I digress. Anyway, Ron gave me some yarn, which I fell madly in love with. it's called Sexy, and was hand dyed by the folks at Koigu. And it is SO beautiful! I immediately designed a shawl,

 that sort of has become a wide scarf, and I knitted half of it, and I wrote it all down, and I even named it!

And I was totally on a roll, designing something! First thing "since"! And then... And then I got project ADD. So I knitted these baby pants, and then they needed a sweater to go with, so I started that and....

Most of the time I think I need a sample knitter. Just a simple slave, willing to knit for the sheer joy of it.

I have also been very busy with Girl's wedding preparation things. Now, the wedding is not till fall, so you'd think I had scads of time. The truth is that the "best" venues and ceremony locations get snapped up pretty quickly, and things cost much more than I expected or remembered. As a result we are doing a lot of things on our own. Whoever it was at Vogue 2011 who mentioned the Off-Beat Bride website? You are my hero. This wedding is so DIY it's not even funny. Or at least right now, to me, with DIY wedding things covered half of the surfaces in my house, it doesn't feel very funny. No pictures yet, but I promise a big report after the fete. We must give Girl her privacy... to a point!

So that's it for me for now. Except this - Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and you know what looks great tied around a gift box, or draped around the neck, or a Shiba Inu? Birthday Girl, a crocheted flower chain available in my Ravelry shop for the low, low price of $1 (Shiba not included)!

How old am I?

I feel like I've lost 8 weeks of life and work and it's bugging me in the selfish, spoiled brat kind of way. Call me five years old, foot stomping, rampaging, I need space, I need to work, I need to create, give me time, give me space, I want to run away from home to a cabin in the woods and just write and swatch for weeks, me, me, me kind of way. I called my father and demanded to know what he was thinking by having only one child with my mother and then divorcing leaving me holding the proverbial bag. I demanded to know where my full siblings were. My sisters have full siblings. Where are mine? "CONFESS!", I begged. He denied that there are any. I think he's protecting them. He suggested I find a body double to take the bullets for me so I can get some work done. Then I tried to give my mother away on Facebook. No takers. Wimps. Baugh! Maybe eBay...or reverse eBay - I will pay the high bidder...

Yesterday I unplugged or shut off all telephones and prepared to work aggressively all day. I began early by bathing and grooming the dog (saved $40, but...well..let's just say I need practice...). Next I sorted some minor sample knitter issues. I then prepared to aggressively write, and just as I opened the document titled "Book2" the dogs went nuts, the front door began to open, and a face appeared in my doorway. I forgot Donna was coming to visit. I love Donna. But today the door is locked.

There's not a small amount of guilt here. "What if". What if the mother falls, strokes, truly needs me. What if. What if, what if, what if. But I have a deadline and what if won't get my work done, it can only get in my way. So I shove it aside, and I pray that she won't fall or stroke, and that I am only avoiding calls about the VCR not working or the apartment being too hot or the lack of orange juice at the facility (They have orange juice. It's just not the right kind. It needs to be Tropicana Pure Premium Original, apparently).

This past weekend was much fun. I taught Knit Different at Webs on Saturday and had a blast doing it. I corrupted...er...converted members of the class to Eastern Uncrossed/Combination. This is my life's work...well, really my life's work is about teaching knitters to read their knitting, and stitch mount is a huge part of that. The added benefits of Combination knitting just make it easier. On Sunday we went shopping for a big pot for my kumquat tree which I've managed to not kill yet, although it was touch and go for a while there. It has some fruits,about five so far, and three tiny blossoms, which smell so amazing. Sorry the pics are not great. I was saving for a macro lens, but I splurged on Tropicana Pure Premium Original and Depends instead. Priorities, and all that.

We spent a fair amount of time photographing Dazee for the AKC. She hates being photographed. She's a pet shop puppy mill dog.She came with registration in the United Friends of Sunnydale Kennel Club or something equally useless for competition in Rally Obedience with the AKC. The AKC allows for registration of pet dogs, spayed or neutered, that display characteristics of their alleged breed. We've got to prove she's a Peke, even though she looks a lot like a Tibbie with a too-flat nose. She does, I must say, look like a historic Peke, before they overbred them for strange things, like that crazy coat. You've seen them if you watch dog shows. Carried in by their handlers on a pillow? Can barely make it around the ring? That's not a dog. Dazee is a dog. I am debating letting her coat grow out, although her Other Mother disapproves. She's got her Tropicana. She can deal.

I made a pile of yarn for Girl. Seems she's been reduced to knitting with highlighters and handspun...no needles. I am sending out her Denise needles and some yarn. Nothing fancy, except the silk, since the PO lost the last package I sent - the one with her surprise and her gauntlets and the hat for her roommate? The roommate who's birthday is today?? Not loving the PO this week. We're tracking it.

Back to work now. But which work...book or Chicken Socks for Tina that are burning a hole in my brain?? Which reminds me I need some Louet in colors we don't have at the store. I need to email them...there's another pair of socks burning a hole in the other side of my brain, for the book, and I can't find the right gold anywhere but Louet's website. Oh!! Thank God. Designs are burning in my brain. Things are looking up!!

Wait a second. How is this spoiled? For crying out loud, this house? It's my OFFICE. This is my workspace. How is it spoiled to demand that people not call me at work??

Time Out

Maybe if I speak it, it will happen. I need a time out. I need a week of work days, all strung together, like normal people have. See, last week I was just asking for one free day, and I got one. Give me an inch and I want a mile, I swear. I did get a free day Monday, during which I swatched mercilessly.
I planned to write patterns the next day and hand off some socks for sample knitting this week, but my mother had another TIA - or maybe we should just call them strokes, since they last for significantly longer than the "brief" which defines a Transient Ischemic Attack - transient meaning "doesn't last for a day and a freaking half". If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say this is probably the fourth or fifth "episode" in the past few weeks, all marked by the same set of symptoms, all lasting greater than 24 hours; each leaving behind more profound loss, each followed more closely by the next. She's refusing treatment, sort of. She will not go to the ER, but will go to various specialists for non-TIA related issues, will take her meds and will go for any ordered tests and imaging. Because she's 65, and this is America, she's within her rights to refuse any treatment as long as she's deemed competent. But is she? Well, when she's not in the midst of one of these "episodes", yes, she appears to be. She certainly does not meet the legal definition of incompetent. And I can't really blame her for not wanting to return to the ER that decided her whole problem was a urinary tract infection. I mean, really. I know UTI can do weird things to older people. But unresponsiveness, left sided facial droop, slurred speech, and bilateral muscle weakness?? Please. If there's another incident where she's unresponsive, she can be admitted, as she would not be coherent enough to refuse. So I wait, try to convince her of the value of acceptance over denial while respecting her right to choose her treatment. I take her from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist, none of whom are related to the TIA's. She's got so many other medical issues, and everyone has their particular speciality axe to grind, while she attempts to ignore the proverbial horse on the dining room table - the strokes - which are slowly robbing her of more and more of her brain. It's like my own little hell. But really, that's not what I came here for. I just needed to vent that.
Really I came here to talk about some actual knitting, although nothing stellar or remarkable, unless you're Girl and you're waiting for care packages. Or maybe if you're waiting for book 2. Or if you like to shop. Otherwise, you won't be interested in the slightest...(sarcasm, anyone?)
On Wednesday I met up with Gail for coffee and deep yarn chat in Shelburne Falls at Metaphor (pssst, hey, Meta, you need a website!). I love this town (free parking, cool coffeehouse, potholes my kids once played in as did I back in the day, beautiful Bridge of Flowers, excellent food, what's not to love??). Maybe we should just move up there. Anyway, I love this yarn shop. I love the big squashy sofa that I never sit on but always stare at. I love the adorable Linen Washcloth kit I've been coveting since my last visit as a Christmas gift for just the right person.And I love what's beneath it even more. Real Farm Yarn. We're talking "still on the sheep, I'd swear" yarn. This is Balky Farm's worsted - they have a bulky also. Single ply, both. I bought 1,000+ yards. I have a plan. I need to design something, or really I already have. Since this picture was taken, they yarn's been handed off to Gail for dying. I want it to be bittersweet, pumpkin pie, toffee, sunflowers in late fall orangey-goldy. I can see the sweater in my head. I suspect it will become my "downtime" knitting, right alongside Malea's temporarily languishing hoodie. Just wait and see! We know it takes dye well, which leads me to the second item.Gail dyed some Balky up and made a pair of stuffed gauntlets with it. I took her idea and shamelessly created gauntlets for Girl using the dyed Balky Farm yarn and some red roving from Girl's stash to create rustic "Momma Loves You, Baby" thrummed gauntlets. So there, Girl, now you know you're getting SOMETHING. But maybe there's more than just these? Maybe ...something ... else? Oh, wait and see.
Swatches - Can't see much, can you? Mwahahahaa! Where would be the fun in that? Where's the suspense?? Where's the mystery? HAH!! You've got to have something to wonder about for the next year. Patience, they say, is a virtue. I personally have become an expert, so I should know!
Next week, Saturday September 20, I will be at Coordinated Colors in Yorktown, Virginia. There's a workshop on Saturday; if you're interested contact Sherri at Coordindated Colors for more information. Hope to see you there!

And again with the camera

Thank you all very much for the NY help. We are going to go to TKTS, and at coffee Tuesday Gail suggested these lovely red bus tours and I think we're going to do that, too. Mr. W. is going to take Friday off so we'll be in NY much earlier than I'd planned. That means we get a whole extra half a day on the ground, so to speak. I am getting excited, even though my favorite lizard pointed out that it's going to be mighty warm in Manhattan this weekend. I am determined to not let it ruin my weekend.
Today I sorted yarn into piles for the new book - "Definitely. maybe. not sure yet. definite maybe. possibly. I just don't know. I HAVE to have that." I think it went something like that. I need more warm colors, I think. My 'process' is jumbled and scares people. At this point, nothing is organized, everything is serendipity, loose, uncontrolled. Anyway, that was fun and occupied a great deal of my time actually. But I am not showing you yet. I am kind of protective of the whole process at this point, which is why you get mushrooms and trees and stuff. Come January I'll share some. For now, mushrooms and trees, babies and occasional non-book knitting. The good news, I suppose, is that if you like reading about knitting stuff and non-knitting stuff while looking at pictures of hawks, babies, mushrooms and trees, this is totally your blog! I may start photographing other people's knitting just so you've got some to stare at. Example - I am writing a pattern that I am submitting to a Major Online E-Zine (go ahead, guess.) and it clearly states in the guidelines that the item submitted can't have appeared anywhere before. So, I can't show you that. Then Flow, which is just a pile of Seduce with no shaping yet. So you don't want to see that.
My day goes like this - I work randomly (today was yarn-sort and contemplate. Tomorrow may be something completely other, like draft something with which to torment a sample knitter)
Then I go for a yard-ramble, and I find things in bloom or fledging, and you get stuff like this:


Back inside, I knit for a while, or write, or plan something. Sometimes I have company (and sometimes the company is not so happy, because they are teething...):

So I alternate making unhappy guests smile again and pretending to work until other people come along to do some of that for me:

Next it's probably supper time, pictures of which would be pretty lame, especially last night. After supper I generally sit and knit, usually on something fun, but sometimes I go for woodland quests for more mushrooms:


You know, there is more to life than knitting. (right. sure there is.)

Good thing it's my blog...

and I can do whatever I want! HAH!!

BedheadFungus
Plush
Stump
Mushrooms
Hen (Ameraucana)and, finally, Chicks: